For awhile, I lost my tune to the Universe. Perhaps I could not hear it, or maybe I had forgotten how the melody went. I was being pushed along by a current of people, a mix of strangers and those dear to me. Pushed, pushed, pushed so far down a road until I forgot who I was. The pieces did not align together, despite how much I tried to explain their misshapen, discombobulated appearance. I could see it plain as day on people’s faces, from their masked confusion to their resigned empathy. I was forcing my life in an attempt to find happiness. I had captured happiness for a brief while, felt it in my hands, and was desperately trying to follow the same steps towards it again. They were steps that I full-heartedly wanted to take. They were steps that would lead me to a life that I had always craved; one of dependency, comfort, safety, and warmth.
My emotions turned against me in a wild way. I felt everything all the time, like a sticky wound left untreated. But no one noticed. Or maybe someone did. Suddenly I found myself taking a step off of the path and all at once, I lost my compass. I lost someone who anchored me, someone who had been my only constant. I took this step only half acknowledging the finality of it. This step veered me into a lonely place, a place where nothing is certain. It is a place where I need to be for awhile. However, I have told myself that I am only visiting and that this place is not my home. I have been on my hands and knees, searching. Searching for the missing parts of myself that I had lost on a path that was never truly mine. I find parts in songs that I listen to late at night through headphones while lying on the carpet. I find parts running through familiar streets feeling unfamiliar feelings. I find them over the phone, hearing a loved one’s voice, and being unable to avoid certain thoughts, certain losses. Most of all, I find them through writing. Curled in a chair that makes my knees creak, I write what I fear the most. Someone once told me that if you feel afraid then you are on the right path. I hope that’s true because I’ve never felt more fearful in my whole life. My Mom says I’ve had a lot of "upsets" the past few months. My upsets upset me more than anyone knows. It’s funny how life works. I have been achieving great things during my last year as an undergraduate. I have been doing everything right. A friend recently gifted me a bracelet with the word ‘strength’ stamped on it. Oh but how wonderfully weak I really am. I want people to ask me the right questions, and then keep asking them. I want people to see me and understand. I want a type of love that I’ve never had before, one that challenges me towards bigger dreams but that never leaves and instead, grows with me. The tide is slowly turning as I begin to realize that these things I want? I have to achieve them first. I have to be able to ask the questions to others first, to understand myself and then show others, to love myself in a grand, HUGE way and then be able to recognize this type of love out there, in the world. These tasks seem familiar to me, without a doubt. They are missions that I gave myself almost three years ago, but then promptly threw them under the rug when I found a pair of eyes that I could never not love. His eyes held bottomless kindness, his arms abundant loyalty. He taught me new feelings and he tethered me for the first time. I learned everything about him, loving each part slowly. The problem was they weren’t my eyes. They were eyes with entirely different dreams and ambitions, expectations and realities. They were eyes that danced to a different tune of the Universe and no matter how hard I tried, I could not match the rhythm. And what is there to do when you know you must say goodbye to someone you love? You become resilient and find your own tune again. “Life can be tricky, there isn’t a doubt. You’ll skin your knees trying to figure it out. But life works together, the good and the bad, the silly and awful, and happy and sad, to paint a big picture we can’t always see… a picture that needs you, most definitely. Remember that next time a day goes all wrong… to somebody else, you will always be strong.” -You’re Here for a Reason by Nancy Tillman
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Author's note:Hi, I'm Helen. Welcome to Lifted ~ I write to lift myself up. Archives
June 2021
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