January is a month of reflection that takes you along a lazy-river in inner tubes of both boredom and creativity. This month always sparks irony for me, as it is one of my college’s selling points for attracting students. Look! A whole month of doing something different, something exciting. My time on campus is decidedly not that. It’s filled to the brim with alone time, my watercolor pallet, long runs, and waiting. It’s an odd period of time where I could either be home with family or beginning an actual semester of work. Instead it falls in the in-between, such as most things do. I felt proud of myself this month, maybe for the first time in a long time. The feeling was so big that it’s newness made me question if I’d ever felt proud of myself. I’ve always been able to acknowledge when others feel proud of me, or when people tell me I should be proud of myself. But this, this was just me. It was something that I did, all by myself. Despite everything… I did it and I was shouting from the mountaintops p.r.o.u.d. I stood in Charleston and promised myself that this year I’d feel proud more. This month I took down a car ornament in Juniper. Hanging from my mirror was an elephant that pronounced, “Today is my lucky day!”. After almost four years, I tucked the elephant away in my glovebox. I stopped feeling lucky. Honestly, I feel as if I’ve been caught in a riptide for quite some time. I always used to say, “Let’s see if the karmic forces are on my side today”, whenever I entered my parking lot to see if I could snag a spot. I haven’t spoken about my karma lately. I had a good spell but I feel very weary lately and thus, retired the elephant. The first month of the year I reconnected with a friend. She’s been there for me, someone to text, someone to share with. This has been so special to me and so treasured. We sat together and watched cable T.V. and murder documentaries for an entire weekend. She watched me shed a single tear in a Domino’s late at night and carried me through into the next morning. She has been someone I could confide in about the future. She makes me feel like me, probably because she’s known me through so many phases of my life. January has subtly and not-so-subtly showed me many things. I have grown older in many ways, while also noting how I want to remain young. I lost something completely precious to me. In February, fingers crossed, it will come back to me. The government was closed for the vast majority of the month, keeping me on my toes for a potential life-altering move. All of these things, all the ups and downs, has been my month. Lastly, I’ve witnessed so many people and thought that each and every one is incredible. This, being in awe of others, has brought great perspective. This means that I can awe people as well. It shows me that I have the power to reinvent myself, one more time. Or rather, again and again, each day a new person. I have written many versions of this month’s blog post and loved them all. I have a deep well of stories and I am beginning to want to share. My truth is beginning to shine forward. The next few days will bring me to share discoveries with someone who has raised me, who half-formed me. I am nervous but also confident. Change comes in waves and I am eyeing a tsunami in the distance.
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Author's note:Hi, I'm Helen. Welcome to Lifted ~ I write to lift myself up. Archives
June 2021
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